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There are a few dates that Will and Guy would like to clear up concerning
Mother's Day.  In the USA, Easter has nothing to do with fixing the
date of Mother's Day, it's always the second Sunday in May for American mums
- May 12th in 2013.

The timing is different in the UK where Mothering Sunday is the third
Sunday before Easter, this will be on the 10th of March in 2013.

Contents

• 1 Mother's Day Humour
  • • • 1.0.0.1
• 2 Funny Jokes for Mother's Day
• 3 The Vocabulary of a Mother
• 4 Witty and Funny Mother's Day Jokes
• 5 More Mother's Day Humour
• 6 Dermot's Story
• 7 Two Quotations to Ponder
• 8 Ten Amusing One-Liners and Interesting Facts About Mothers
• 9 More Mother's Day Jokes
• 10 Lionhearted
• 11 The Stages Of Motherhood: Author Unknown [Will and Guy do not agree with all these sentiments]
• 12 A Mother of a Small Boy Says
• 13 Here Are Examples of 'Mother Knows Best', Kindly Sent in by Ephraim Kahana
• 14 Subject: What My Mother Taught Me
• 15 Mother's Day and Mothers' Day - No Joke!
• 16 See more special day events:

Mother's Day Humour

• Funny Jokes for Mother's Day
• The Vocabulary Of A Mother
• The Mummy Test
• The Stages of Motherhood
• Origins of Mother's Day
• Mothering Sunday Stories

Funny Jokes for Mother's Day

After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and
a worn out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children
getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At
last Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room,
putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings. While leaving the
room, she overhears her three-year-old say in a shaky voice, 'Who was
"that"?'

The Vocabulary of a Mother

• Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the
  strained carrots.
• Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even
  though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do
  everything we say.
• Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small
  bodies wearing dry shoes into.
• Show Off: A child who is more talented
  than yours.
• Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
• Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.
  See Father's Day jokes.

Witty and Funny Mother's
Day Jokes

Phone Home?

Lionel phones his mother living in Springfield, MA USA.

'Mum, how are you?' he asks.
'Not too good,' answers Lionel's mother, 'I've been very weak.'

Lionel, concerned asks, 'Why are you so weak, mother?'
She says, 'Because I haven't eaten in 23 days'

Lionel stammers, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?'
His mother replies, 'Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with
food if you should phone.'

Turning The Knife

While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend's six-year-old
son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver.
'Do you want a 'Daddy'
screwdriver or a 'Mummy' screwdriver?'  Ricky politely inquired.

Confused
by the question, Liz responded with, 'Bring me a 'Mummy' screwdriver.'
Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.

More Mother's Day Humour

Over the centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good
advice; here are some examples which Will and Guy find quite amusing.

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.  You could have written.

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?  Do you have
any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family.
Do you know anything about this Goldie?

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair?  Styling gel, mousse, something...?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and
get to bed!

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you
once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

See International Women's Day 8th
March.

Dermot's Story

Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his is mother
was in the front row especially to prompt him.

She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not
help. Dermot's memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and
whispered the cue, 'I am the light of the world.'

Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, 'My
mother is the light of the world.'

Two Quotations to Ponder

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want
to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller

All women become like their mothers.  That is their tragedy.
No man
does.  That's his. - Oscar Wilde

Ten Amusing One-Liners and Interesting Facts About Mothers

1. I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
2. 80.5 million are the number of mothers of all ages in the USA.
3. 81% of women between 40 and 44 are mothers.
4. Women expect to have 2 children in their lifetime.
5. Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show
   that sleep is not necessary to human life.
6. Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't
   have anything to do with it.
7. A mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by
   car forever after. - Peter De Vries
8. God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. - A
   Jewish Proverb
9. There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has
   it. - Chinese Proverb
10. A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his
    mother the longest. - Irish Proverb

More Mother's Day Jokes

Lionhearted

Edward, a big-game hunter, goes on safari in Kenya with his wife, Frances
and his mother-in-law, Agnes.  One evening, while still deep in the
jungle, Frances awakes to find her mother, Agnes, has disappeared. Rushing
to Edward, she insists on them both trying to find her mother.

Sighing heavily, Edward picks up his rifle and starts to search for
Agnes. Soon, in a clearing not far from the camp, they come upon a
frightening sight.

Agnes, the mother-in-law is backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush,
and a large male lion is standing facing her. Frances cries out in panic,
Edward, what are we going to do?'

'Nothing,'
explains Edward calmly. 'Absolutely nothing, my dearest. The lion got
himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.'
See more Mother-in-law jokes

4 Years Of Age - My mummy can do anything.
8 Years Of Age
- My mum knows a lot.
12 Years Of Age - My mother doesn't really know
quite everything.
14 Years Of Age - Naturally, mother doesn't know that,
either.
16 Years Of Age - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18
Years Of Age - That old woman? She's way out of date.
25 Years Of Age -
Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 Years Of Age - Before we
decide, let's get mum's opinion.
45 Years Of Age - Wonder what mum would
have thought about it.
65 Years Of Age - Wish, I could talk it over with
Mum.

A Mother of a Small Boy Says

• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
• A 3-year old boy's
  voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh'
  , it's
  already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
• Certain Lego'swill pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
• Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a
  swimming pool you still can't
  walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• Garbage bags do not make good
  parachutes.
• Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
• You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
• The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
• It will, however, make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
• 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
• Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without
  permission.

Here Are Examples of 'Mother Knows Best', Kindly Sent in by
Ephraim Kahana

Subject: What My Mother
Taught Me

1. My mother taught me RELIGION.
   "You'd better pray that will
   come out of the carpet."
2. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
   "If you don't straighten
   up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
3. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
   "Make sure you wear clean
   underwear, in case you're in an accident."
4. My mother taught me IRONY.
   "Keep crying, and I'll give you
   something to cry about."
5. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
   "Will you look at
   that dirt on the back of your neck!"
6. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
   "This room of yours
   looks as if a tornado went through it."
7. My mother taught me about ENVY.
   "There are millions of less
   fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like
   you do."
8. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
   "Just wait until we
   get home."
9. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
   "You are going to get
   it when you get home!"
10. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off
    your toes, don't come running to me."
11. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age,
    you'll understand."
12. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
    "One day you'll have
    kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

Mother's Day and Mothers' Day - No Joke!

Regarding the use of the apostrophe, our logic is that we
remember one's mother, thus Mother's Day.  In British English, as opposed to
American English, it's also possible for a group of people to celebrate their Mothers' Day.
While this usage of the apostrophe is grammatically correct in England, it's
not in common usage.

See Mother's Day stories �

Footnote:
Please send us your Mother's Day
jokes and funny stories.

See more special day events:

•
Special day events   •
Mothering Sunday stories   •
Mother's Day jokes   •
Father's Day jokes

•
Grandparents Day   •
How old is grandma?   •
May Day   • Michaelmas Day   •
When is Mothers Day?

• Remembrance Day   •
Sister's Day   •
Cousins' Day   •
Lady Day   •
Special day today   •
Labor Day

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Source: https://www.funny-jokes.com/mothers-day-jokes.htm

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